Journal Entry #2
Am I just a broken record? Over and over again I talk to my husband, my friends, and yes even myself about the fact that I am struggling right now. I have asked God for strength and more will power, I have begged for Him to change my habits when I am stressed. I have journaled, I have gone to therapy, I have shared with my church family… but I am still struggling. And on this Monday morning, after dropping my kids at school and daycare, after a session at the gym, I am sitting at my desk in my office realizing that I have not thanked God for this stage of my life.
Doesn’t that sound crazy?
I am a registered dietitian. I have the knowledge, expertise, and the God given calling to help others lead a nutritious life full of good food, intentional movement, and joy. Yet, here I am at my heaviest weight of my adult life (expect when I was pregnant) struggling with BINGE EATING. Yes, I have had issues with binge eating for the past 6 years, yet have been able to somewhat keep it under control until about 6 months ago. In those 6 months I have lost self confidence in myself, in my ability to help others, and in my entire purpose. It is amazing to me that food can control us so much.
However, today I sit here and I wonder if maybe this is a stage of my life that will lead me into a greater understanding of what many of my clients go through. Is all of this God’s way of strengthening my ability to help others., my ability to be truly sympathetic to other’s addictions and lifestyles that they want to change but just can’t seem to get off the roller coaster? Am I going through this so that I can honestly say, I have been where you are and here is what I learned?
Instead of asking God to fix me, maybe I should be asking God to guide me to the tools that I need to overcome this struggle. Instead of asking for more will power, maybe I should be asking for reminders that I too am only human and should give myself grace for my short comings. Instead of asking God to fix me, I should be asking Him to make the root cause of this behavior obvious to me so that I can focus my efforts there.
You see, I don’t binge eat just because I want to. Usually I am telling myself that this is horrible and I should not be doing this… while I am eating the 12th Oreo standing in the pantry with the door closed! This is how I have been managing my stress for the past 6 years! However, in the last 6 months things have exploded and I have not done very well to manage that stress.
I honestly believe that some of my eating issues stem from working with a certain population of people. I have, since 2012, counseled those who have gotten to a stage of poor health that weight loss surgery was their only option and that has skewed my view of healthy eating, healthy weight, and healthy lifestyle. I began to shy away from people who were fit and healthy and normalized heavier weights, lack of exercise, and eating habits that were less than appropriate. It is very much an example of becoming a product of my environment!
In the last 3 months I have gained 15 pounds and am now battling with chin acne that I know is directly linked to me eating sugar! I am so tired of being frustrated with my current situation. I want change and I want it now. I know that physical changes come slowly and right now that is honestly what is so hard to grasp. I KNOW how to loose weight, I KNOW how to eat to best fuel my body, I KNOW all the tools that allow me to feel my best and live as my best self… but opening my tool box seems so hard because I also KNOW that immediate results are not going to be apparent to others, or even myself.
This morning after working out, it dawned on me… I must do things that do offer immediate gratification in order to keep me focused and making the best choices in other areas of my life. I must choose wisely how I spend my time so that I can keep my momentum up and moving in the right direction.
Exercise makes me feel awesome! I feel strong, proud, and ready to take on anything when I get done working out. I also want to feed my body better and keep it hydrated more when I work out. Thus, I need to increase the amount of exercise that I am doing.
Cooking for my family makes me feel accomplished and lets face it… like a good mom and wife! I so enjoy chopping veggies and roasting meats, adding a yummy spice blend and hearing my kiddos ask for seconds. And I know that when I am cooking our meals, we are getting PROTEIN, COLORFUL VEGGIES, and HEALTHY FATS that lead to a better food reaction. Thus, I need to cook for my family more often.
Getting up early and spending some time with God - whether in prayer or in Bible study. Starting my day off with God centers me and allows me to see the true priorities of my day. He has such a good way of reminding me that I am HIS and that I am PERFECT in His sight - to give my self grace for my short comings while always striving to allow my light to shine! Thus, I need to set my alarm for 5AM.
Drinking water keeps that 3pm slump away! Staying hydrated makes me feel balanced and I love it! My dark circles and my all over skin texture is better with I am drinking HALF MY BODY WEIGHT IN OUNCES OF WATER DAILY. Thus, I need to fill my water bottles up each night and have them ready to grab and go each morning.
These are the things that do give my instant gratification and thus these are the areas of priority. I pray that God will allow these small actions to impact both my mental and my physical health. I pray that I will see the benefit of these small actions daily and that these will develop into habits that will begin to pave my way towards my own best life - my own Purely Nutritious life.